Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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