Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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