So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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