Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
