I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
