All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
