My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
