I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
