i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
