wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
if only i could text you this smell
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
