and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
