the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
