How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
