Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
