It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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