I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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