she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
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