I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
