maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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