just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
