I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
