Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
