ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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