i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
