11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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