the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
