Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
