I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
