i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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