my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
