Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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