dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
