Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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