watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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