in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
