but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone came in the potted fern
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
