Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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