Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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