My friends, they love my intelligence
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
