if i can run in heels then i can drive
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
