Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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