Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
