Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
