So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
