I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
