Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
