The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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