I seem to have left my pride at pride
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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