I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
