i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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