my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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