She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
