doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
