There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
