So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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