My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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